Eight months

Eight months ago, I had no idea how much my life was about to change.  A tiny baby boy entered the world and would soon enter my life.  I've not been the same since.  It was love at first sight...it's hard to not fall in love with 6lbs of nothing but sweetness.  That baby boy grew physically and took more and more of my heart with each passing day.  Life with him was never easy, not because of him, but all the "stuff" that he was burdened with the moment he was born.  And it still isn't easy.  Right now we're in no-man's-land.  He's not here, but where he's at isn't good. 

Maybe he'll come back.  

Maybe we'll never see him again.  

We just don't know. 

And this is the place where I'm finding, by God's grace, that I really do believe what I say I believe.  I believe He is in the midst of every detail of this situation.  I believe that His grace is enough for all of us to walk through the hard days.  I believe that He will soothe the hurts that make my kids cry themselves to sleep at night.  I believe that He is sovereign over us.  I believe that He is always working for the good even when all I see is darkness.  I believe that His plans are always better then mine even when I don't understand a second of it.  I believe that Jesus is my only hope and He will never disappoint me.  

But some days I'm just sad.  My love, especially my mother heart love is active; there is nothing passive about it.  It is caring for the day-to-day, feeding, kissing, reading, teaching, discipling, cleaning....all those things show my family that I love them.  Part of what makes my heart ache is that I have so much love for this little boy that I can't do anything with.  I can't feed him his bottle or wash his clothes or play on the floor with him.  I can only miss him and long to hold him or tuck him in at night.  It's not enough.  I don't know what to do about it. But I do know that we are not supposed to give up on him yet.  So we continue to pray and hope, long for and believe.  And that will have to be enough for today.