A new look and a quote

Like many areas of my life, I decided a little sprucing up was in order here on the blog.  So a new look with many thanks to my technical genius of a husband for getting it up and going for me. I told him what I wanted and he made it happen.  I'm liking the vibe of this new background and we will hopefully get all the tweaks taken care of this week.

And now a little Spurgeon for you.  It would not be overstating to say that C.H. Spurgeon has been vital in my growth as a believer.  Seriously.  A month or so ago, I decided to pull out my copy of Morning and Evening (thanks to Jess!) and it has been just what I needed.  I read this a few nights ago and it was astoundingly appropriate (especially in light of my last post.)  I hope you are as encouraged as I was!

The trials which come from God are sent to prove and strengthen our graces, and so at once to illustrate the power of divine grace, to test the genuineness of our virtues, and to add to their energy.  Our Lord in His infinite wisdom and superabundant love, sets so high a value upon His people's faith that He will not screen them from those trials by which faith is strengthened.  You would never have possessed the precious faith which now supports you if the trial of your faith had not been like unto fire....While the wheat sleeps comfortably in the husk it is useless to man, it must be threshed out of its resting place before its value can be know.  Thus it is well that Jehovah tries the righteous, for it causes them to grow rich toward God.  

May I always long to grow rich toward God, whatever it may cost me!

Created for Care

view from our room Sunday morning

Last weekend I had the privilege of spending my weekend with 400+ adoptive moms at the Created for Care Retreat in Georgia.  Thankfully, for so many reasons, one of those 400 moms was Amber.  I wasn't entirely sure what to expect from the weekend, but I knew I was supposed to go.  It was an amazing weekend full of incredible teaching, worship and intense time spent with the Lord.  I met some new heroes like Susan Hillis and Beth Templeton and decided I want to be like them when I grow up.  I was encouraged and equipped in parenting all my children, and not with trite ideas or strategies, but with the Word and Its power.  A few of the stand-outs...

-Bad days do not change who I am...and I am F(ragrant) R(eflection) E(ternity) E(verywhere)

-By faith Abraham: obeyed, moved on, received power, offered up...look forward to what God's doing in your child; do not look back and make their identity about what happened to them in the past

-Make our waiting Spanish!  Esperar- to wait, to hope....make our waiting hoping

-The world sees orphans, Jesus sees disciples

-"I am the mom who Jesus loves"...believe it, live it!  Freedom, empowerment and intimacy come when I live in the reality of who I really am.

-The revelation of my child's identity in Christ transforms my parenting.  I need to pour into that- to call forth the treasure of Christ that is within.

-An orphan is defined by what's missing.  A son or daughter is defined by relationship.

-I can not afford to have thoughts in my head about myself (or my child) that God doesn't have about me.

-The facts will change, but the truth never does.  I need to give them language about the truth of who they are.

I realize this might not make much sense to anyone else, but that's okay.  It means a lot to me and I'm still processing through the impact it will have on my parenting.  I feel like I've been given a run for my money this week on parenting, let alone making any lasting changes.  But it is a process and one bad day or week or, heck, even bad month, will not define us!  The bottom line for me this weekend was to know the truth and speak it into my kids' lives; the truth about who they are, who God is, and doing all I can to point them to Him to find their identity.  We left their believing that "Not one, not one, not one of our children will fall away from Me.  They will all know know my heart."  I am standing on that promise!!

Christmas in the making

Life has been full and good and busy the last week and there's no end in sight! I know this time of year is busy for everyone and we're no exception. It is the busyness that threatens to overwhelm me and make me miss what this season is all about: Our King who came, who is coming again. Ann Voskamp's words always encourage and restore me and that's never been more true then in some posts she wrote last week. Here's a few excerpts...

"Still unfolding it: the only place to be fully alive is right here.


There are dishes in the sink and balls of yarn on the floor and boots at the back door.


I profane this moment when I don’t stay in it.


Be all here: and be holy. Because the Presence of I AM always fills the present moment.


When I am mindful of this moment, the mind fills with God and the heart fills with peace, and joy-thanks fills the prayers, and isn’t the only way God can come to us is through the door of this moment?"

And this thought that I'm constantly coming back to, using it as a gauge for how I'm spending my time...

"Whenever Christmas begins to burden, it’s a sign that I've taken on something of the world and not of Christ. Any weight in Christmas has to be of this world."

There is joy in the serving and giving and reading and crafting and wrapping and choosing and when it becomes heavy to me, I need to step back. There has been lots of reevaluating and putting aside of some things that "we always do" and I"m okay with that. I want Him to be the focus, not our traditions or stuff or experiences. I want-no need- to be in the moment and allow Him to be there with me. I want it all to point to Him and He's helping clear my eyes to what that really looks like. It might not look that different on the outside, but the view from my heart has shifted.

And I love what I see.

The God Who Sees

You wouldn't think that a 10 minute drive could land you in another world, but it does.  It happened last night.  We got in the car and when we stepped out, we were there.  A place where people don't know where the next meal is coming from.  Where the wallet has eight crinkled dollar bills that need to last to the end of the month.  Where it is hard to trust God cares because no one has ever been trustworthy.  Where hope can look like a sack of potatoes or a jar of peanut butter being shared.

I went to Renee's house last night.  The world would look at our encounter and say that she was the one who was blessed because of our visit.  But I can tell you that is completely untrue.  We stood on her porch, arms weighed down with bags of groceries and called out that we were from the church.  She slowly made her way to the door, untangling her oxygen line as she went. Once she realized what was going on, she began to cry and so did I.  I was overwhelmed by the goodness of our God who sees.  He saw that Renee had cooked the last of the food in the fridge for her son.  God saw that there wasn't enough money to get through the month.  He saw her shoulders stooped low from the weight of worry.  He sees her sick heart and failing body.  He sees her downcast spirit.  But He also sees a heart that loves Him and trusts Him and gives Him all the glory. He heard all three of us praising Him together; for His perfect care and perfect timing.  That He allows me to be the tiniest piece of His puzzle in her life...reminding all of us of His care and love in everything.

As Cale and I walked back across the front of her house, her voice could be heard, raised in praise to the God who sees.  Renee helped me to see Him more clearly. Sure, we gave her a few bags of food, but what we walked out of there with was far, far greater.

Don't be fooled.  Hope really does look like a sack of potatoes.

Gifts

Hair blowing in my eyes as the wind whips through open windows and sunroof.

Blazing blue skies and a backdrop of beautiful changing leaves.

Apple picking and the sweet tart goodness of a freshly picked apple.

Her eyes lighting up in recognition at my arrival.

The papery thin skin as I bend to kiss her cheek and tell her I love her.

His hand that gently wipes away the tears of overwhelming that flow.

A sweet sleeping boy and a sweet reading girl in the backseat.

Plan B leading us a different way today.

Savoring every word of a favorite book being reread.

Taking the back roads toward home.

A picnic in the sunshine.

All of it a gift; grace undeserved.

Choosing today to be thankful for every moment. 

To let myself be caught up in the current of grace that is my life.

Deeper Still

I went to Deeper Still this weekend, literally and figuratively.  The girls and I hit the road to Louisville and had the pleasure and honor to sit under the teaching of Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shirer and Beth Moore.  It wasn't what I was expecting...it was better.  It was rhema.... and I pray that it is taken root deep in my heart. I still have much to process and apply, but here's a few highlights.

Kay Arthur- Seriously- she brought us the Gospel straight up.  At first I didn't think this session was as "good" or had as much for me as the other two.  But as I've thought about it I was wrong.  Kay told us that our society is full of silly women who are too consumed with the things of this world to be focused on what really matters.  I don't want to be a silly woman!  And I'm committed to not being one.  Every point she made kept coming back to the Gospel and the power of it and challenging us to really live in that power.  I think the greatest gift she gave me was reminding me of the power of The Word.  I need to be drowning myself in the Truth and soaking in the Word so that whatever comes my way, the Word will pour back out.  It doesn't matter what people say or do to me, I'm so full of the Word and His love, that His love comes back out.  It was so good and rich and deep.

Priscilla Shirer- This was my first time to have the pleasure of hearing Priscilla teach and I can honestly say my life is better for it.  There is no way to sum up this session because I'm still knee deep in processing through my five pages of notes.  One of her key points was that anything that we are enjoying outside the boundaries it's intended for goes haywire and we become enslaved.  She also talked about the need for Sabbath in our lives- not necessarily a whole day of no work, but creating some breathing room, a margin, so that He has room to come in to be with us.  She reminded us that it is in our nature to hold on too tight, to over-do and that's why God gives us boundaries.  When we hold on too tight, what we're left with becomes foul.  There was so much practical application in her message.  I'm so excited to start her Jonah study with my girls and to dig into "One in a Million" on my own.

Beth Moore- I adore Beth and her session was not only the final one of the conference, but of Deeper Still as this was the last event.  The Lord gave her such a perfect word to end on about generations.  She taught out of 2 Timothy and used Lois, Eunice and Timothy as examples of the faithfulness and purpose of each generation.  Her session for me can be wrapped up in something she said to us as she ended.  We were speaking a blessing/challenge over each generation and to our group she asked the Lord that we would "pay the price of self-discipline." That phrase hit me hard and is something I will not soon forget.  I want things to come easy to me, to not be too hard (hello, silly woman), but I'm promised nothing of the sort.  I have prayed in the past that the Lord would make it easy for me to get our of bed early to have a quiet time.  And while I have no doubt He could do that, He hasn't chosen to at this point to make me hop right out of bed at dark thirty. It is going to cost me something to deepen my relationship with Him and I need to be ready and willing to pay that price.  This is a game changing point for me and is challenging the way I think about everything.

And of course there was much laughter and sharing and encouraging one another, but that's what I always get with these three.  Who knew what we were getting into with each other when we simply started a Bible study together more then three years ago?  The Lord has grown us together and connected our hearts in a way that doesn't come along too often.  I am so thankful for these women and the gift they are in my life.  And I'm so thankful that they share with me a desire to be growing and going deeper.  Love you, girls!

A great weekend, in every way imaginable.

Home

Our house has been emptier this week and feeling more like just a house then home.  It's never the same when he's not here to fill in the empty spaces, balance me out and lay beside me at night.  But he's back and we all laid in a jumbled pile this morning as if he'd been gone for weeks, not just 4 days.  A moment to savor, all of us together; my house feels like home again when we're all together.

I just finished reading what is certainly the best book I've read in 2011 (and I've read some good ones like this and this.)  Somewhere More Holy by Tony Woodlief has made me rethink what home is and how it is created and the sacredness of it.  I cried and I laughed and I re-read sentences that were too powerful to absorb in just one take.  Room by room, the author tells his story and his family's journey and how he has come to see the holiness all around us, if only we would open our eyes to see.  Beauty and pain, hope and despair, peace and angst...all of life lived out inside these four walls, and He is in the midst of every moment.

"This book is the story of how we reclaim the things that are lost. It's also the story of a how a home can become sacred, and how in the process it can sanctify us as well...Home is more than a place where we eat and sleep; it is where we learn grace, where we glimpse heaven.  Is is where we find or lose God, or perhaps where He finds us if we will only be still long enough to listen for Him."

It is not an easy read (have a kleenex nearby), but one that will challenge how you think about your home. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Giving up to get more

This Wednesday is the beginning of Lent.  The next 40 days will be spent preparing our hearts and minds to remember the death and resurrection of Christ.  Different denominations mark the time of preparation differently, many observing a fast of some sort.  Like last year, Cale and I are giving up beverages other then water to participate in Forty Days of Water. This is a challenge I both look forward to and dread.  It's such a simple way to get outside myself and wipe some of the accumulated sleep from my eyes to the world around me.  But more importantly it's an opportunity to open myself up to more of Him.  I'm ashamed to admit how hard it was some days last year.  The hard days were used to draw me closer to Him as I denied myself of such a simple luxury.  Can't have an Iced Capp or some milk or tea?  Well, at least I've got an abundance of clean water.  That's more then many can say.  And I need to be reminded of that. 

There are other areas of life that I've felt the Lord leading me to give up.  I feel like the next 40 plus days are going to be a time of purging, getting rid of some junk I've picked up.  I need to give up some things so I have room for more...of Him and the life He has for me.  There's nothing this world offers that I need more of...not more stuff or technology or ideas or words or money.  I need Him and all that He offers to give, which, coincidentally, is everything that I need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).


His grace...love...peace...joy...hope...perspective...heart... knowledge...wisdom...power...truth...I'll gladly give up anything to make room for more of these in my life.

Ten years ago...

I woke up in a different world ten years ago today.  My bed was wobbly beneath me, a gentle rhythm that I would quickly get accustomed to.  My new home was a 520 foot long hospital ship that I shared with 400 other people.   I woke up that morning on the bottom bunk, surrounded by strangers who would quickly become my sisters.  Jet-lagged and a little unsteady on my feet, I set about exploring my home for the next three months.  I remember stepping out on deck and the air just felt so different, let alone the smell of it.  My eyes scanned the horizon and all was unfamiliar; large ships, hundreds upon thousands of containers, small fishing boats and the ocean beyond.  A ship in port is not even remotely glamorous.  It was almost too much for me to take in.

I've spent much of the afternoon looking through old pictures and being flooded with memories of my time in Cotonou, Benin with Mercy Ships.  To label it life-changing is certainly appropriate, but doesn't even begin to cover it.  It was the hardest 6 months of my life, but also some of the absolute best.  Mornings were spent worshiping and soaking in the teaching of some of the greats that YWAM had to offer. I spent my afternoons scrubbing the toilets and showers, mopping floors and polishing wood on really loooong corridors.  It was good hard work that provided lots of opportunity to think.  And there was always much to think about. Evenings were long, but soon filled with new friends, a modest library, 10pm laundry slots, dance lessons on aft deck and exploring small parts of the city.

Fast forward three months to our Outreach Phase and the world tilted once again as I fought to be content in every circumstance.  Some days I won, a lot of days I lost.  But He was faithful to me in a way I didn't know I needed Him to be during those long days in the village.  We poured ourselves out and dealt with more then a little resistance to His Word.  Everyday tasks were a challenge, a burden.  I wish I would have learned to accept it and move on a little faster, but eventually I did.  I embraced the dust and dirt on my feet 10 seconds after washing them.  I loved the quiet nights of sleeping on the roof and the sky full of a million stars.  Buckets of mangoes and fresh bread filled our bellies and His Truth and His Spirit sustained us.

I'm not overstating it by saying that I wouldn't be who I am and where I am today without the time I spent with Mercy Ships/YWAM.  He asked a small town country girl if she trusted Him. And then He took her about as far away as you can get from the world she knew.  But He knew what He was doing.

God expanded my vision and stretched my heart to capacity.  He cracked it open for the people and places of Africa. He loved me that much, to orchestrate such a wild plan and show me more of Himself then I ever dared to ask for.  He laughed when I said I'd never return because He already knew about the boy who would capture my heart and call me Mama.  He who knew that my first trip to the continent wouldn't be my last and in fact, pieces of it would stay with me forever.  It's an amazing story, really.  And I think He's just getting warmed up.

Ready to go (and I've even got a theme song)

I'm feeling more ready to start the new year today. You won't find a set of resolutions or goals or anything like that this year. Instead I've got a verse and a song that I feel like are going to be the theme around here. There are some big things on the horizon and I can't wait to see them unfold. I heard this song for the first time on Saturday and it just hit me out of nowhere that this song is my anthem for the year. It's not a revolutionary thought or anything, but it struck me that these four simple sentences encompass exactly what I want this new year to be.

Set us free, trust the mystery

Till our eyes are clear enough to see you

Where you lead us, we will follow

Where you lead us, we will follow you

(Song by Jars of Clay and unfortunately can't find a link to listen to it anywhere!)

I feel like that is enough for one year. I could end it right there and just live each day trying to do and believe and follow. But wait, there's more. This morning I was reading my Bible and read Psalm 33. Again, there was an immediate knowing that the last three verses were meant for me today and the last two were especially for this year.

"Our soul waits for the LORD;

he is our help and our shield.

For our heart is glad in him,

because we trust in his holy name.

Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us,

even as we hope in you."

Psalm 33:20-22

I will choose to trust Him this year as I hope in Him and what He will do in my life. I don't anticipate it to be easy or problem-free. But I know He will be near and He alone will fill my heart with gladness.

So I'll tuck these sweet truths deep in my pocket and say, "Bring it on 2011! Let's see what you've got!"

Not ready for new just yet

Am I the only one who feels surprised that the calendar reads January 1, 2011 today?  Of course, I knew it was coming, but the reality that it's here has left me feeling a bit unsettled.  I've already started some adjustments in our time and schedule for the new year and thought about some things I want to do differently.  But I've yet to take time and really reflect on this past year, the good and the bad.  I'm more of a everything-is-new-on-a-Monday girl, so perhaps by then, I'll be ready to face the realities of 2011.  For now, I'll sit and enjoy the glow of my Christmas tree lights for one more night and think about what He's done and what lies ahead.

Happy New Year, my friends!

Advent thoughts

"Whenever Christmas begins to burden, it’s a sign that I’ve taken on something of the world and not of Christ." 

-Ann Voskamp 

Read the whole post here, because you really should.  She says it better then just about anyone.  This sentence has been running constantly through my mind since I read it.  It's become my gauge to filter what I'm doing, the busyness I find myself occupied with.  Thankfully, much of the busy is joyful, but it's a way to keep my heart and my actions focused on what really matters.  


Him.  The baby Jesus, born to die.  For me.  


Glory to God in the Highest!

**I'll need to keep this in mind this afternoon as we decorate our gingerbread house!**

Advent

I'm slowly digging myself out from the pile of goodness that was our Thanksgiving.  Surrounded by family, tables heaped with good food, hearts overflowing with the goodness of the Lord to each of us...what more can you ask for?  (Maybe staying up all night to shop on Black Friday?  Oh, wait...I did that, too! And how about a sleigh ride and a preschool Christmas program?  Yep, had all that goodness, too!)

I came home to a house that had already had the magic wand of Christmas sprinkled upon it.  You have no idea how happy it made me to drive home from our long weekend away, Christmas music on heavy rotation and knowing that my house was already reflecting the season.  I've completed much of my shopping already and have good ideas in the works for those that remain.  We are planning and making room in our day to not let this Advent season slip past us unnoticed.  We don't want to miss it.

The Jesse Tree stands waiting for us tomorrow.  The Advent calendar is ready for its first ornament. I've read the first few pages in my favorite Advent devotional.  And I'm ready.  Ready to ponder and think about and take it all in.  I want to celebrate the mystery and let it sink deep into my heart in a fresh way this season.  I am choosing to not miss it this year.

just what i need

Life has been especially heavy and hard this week.  When my eyes opened this morning I was overwhelmed and not ready to face anything about the day.  But I had to get up and feed kids and do all the normal things morning brings with it.  Part of what I had to do was take Haven to the doctor.  I left the house in a rush, feeling crazy and scattered and unsettled.  I got in the car and these words immediately came out of the speaker...

And I believe You're my portion

I believe You are more then enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

...

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands

And it was just what I needed.  The truth, simple and clear.  About Him and me.  I've held tight to these words all day.  The heavy and the hard have not let-up, but I don't carry the burden alone.  

Thank you, Lord, for giving me ears to hear just what I needed.

lyrics by Michael Jon Guglielmucci: listen here

Fall fun

Fall fun is in full swing around here. Several weeks ago we went to Wesler's Orchards and picked a full bushel of apples. It was a great place to go with the kids and we enjoyed seeing the barn animals, sampling some apple cider and picking eight different varieties of apples.

Quality control by Mati...

and Haven!

Sometimes you just need to climb up in the tree to get 'em!

Our trip to the orchard was just part of an almost perfect day. We drove on back roads and enjoyed the beautiful area that we live in. We had no agenda other then to get some apples and once that was accomplished we were spontaneous. The road led us to an adorable small town that I was immediately smitten with. I was already enamored, but when I was given directions to turn left at Annie Oakley (a statue) I was a goner. The day got even better when we happened upon an amazing sale at a KitchenAid store and my man purchased this for me (at a better price!). We even stumbled upon a garage sale and I scored 2 old small school desks complete with chairs for the kids for super cheap. It was just a beautiful day and we enjoyed being together with no real plans. That doesn't happen often enough. Then we walked in the door and Haven puked. Our idyllic day came to a screeching halt!

We've enjoyed several hikes and walks, taking in the gorgeous fall leaves and changing season. The kids loved going on a hike and collecting leaves to make leaf rubbings. They were a big hit around here.

A classic- leaf rubbings after a nature walk at The Narrows

This past weekend we went to a local farm that has all sorts of fun fall things to do. They are known for their maze, but mazes sound like a torture activity to me. The kids loved playing in the corn pit, trying out the -tiny- hay maze, petting animals and riding in the cow train. We also went on a great hay ride all around the property and through the woods. It was a perfect evening for it and we had so much fun!

Mastering the hay maze...didn't take much, but they liked it!

Mati got in and posed and then got out! He was not having this!

I love these two rascals so much!

Lots of fall fun around here! What have you been doing to enjoy my favorite of seasons?

today...

today, I'm thankful...

-that i didn't have to go to jury duty again.

-that honey crisp apples are in season. deliciously wonderful.

-that no one has fallen down the stairs on their bike today. (happened on monday!)

-that today is not laundry day.

-for a clean kitchen floor.

-for a new book that is kicking my butt. and causing some deep thinking.

-that it's officially fall, despite what the temperature outside would have you believe.

-for the library and free books that my kids love to read.

-for the new curtain i finally made for my kitchen windows.

-for phone calls with friends about nothing and everything.

-that my kids are healthy and we can run around having pillow fights.

-for my favorite meal on the docket for tonight.

And I'm thankful that even though I haven't had the best attitude today, He keeps renewing my mind (Romans 12:12) and reminding me of His goodness. See the list above for proof of all the little ways He loves me.

Eyes wide open

Last night I went somewhere I've never gone before. It wasn't for fun or entertainment or even curiosity. But it was eye-opening and left me with a lot of questions.

I've walked around all day unsettled, restless. Thinking too much about things that don't matter and thinking for the first time about things that do. And wondering where I fit in to all of it.

How can I be part of the solution to the problems I've seen?

What does He have for us in this new place of eye-openess?

What is our response? What should it be?

Tonight it's hands open and a heart that is ready to hear.

A whisper

Life is swirling around me right now. Slow days, but fast weeks and even faster months. The end of July, and the closing of a full summer on the horizon. But I don't know how, or lack the time to write about it. Much of it can't or shouldn't be documented in this space. And that's okay with me. I read this post yesterday and could relate so much to this blog becoming a whisper. I don't know that I was ever that engaging, but at least a handful of you keep coming back to check on us. I'm thankful for that, especially on the days when I've got nothing new to offer you. So I'll think it'll stay a whisper for now and be thankful for the full life that doesn't always allow time or inclination or opportunity to share about it here.

Missing it

Days are slipping past me, one after another all looking much the same. There's nothing really wrong with this. After all, I am a girl who likes routine. But for some reason of late it doesn't feel quite right. There are moments to savor, memories to make and children to love. And I just don't think I"m doing any of it well. I feel disengaged; not from friends or family, but from the thinking part of myself. From the part that makes plans and goals, lists full of things to do and books to read and inspired to tackle my responsibilities. I am disconnected from all the things that make me feel accomplished and successful and like I'm getting things done. I can't seem to force myself back into that place either, no matter how hard I try. I'm not sure what to do. Is this supposed to be one of those quieter times, breathing space to just be? Is it laziness? Is it a self-imposed funk?

But I don't want to miss it...this day...this moment. They will never be here again. I want to savor the long days of sunshine and running through the sprinkler, splashing in the pool. I want to sit on the back porch with a good book and a glass of iced tea. I want to get messy painting with the kids and take them out for ice cream as a treat after a long day of playing. I want a sunburned nose and a pile of laundry that is evidence of a good time. I want to find the balance of having a plan but living in the moment. I want my mind to be filled with snapshots of these days- hanging out around the fire pit with friends, catching fireflies with Haven and watching Mati run around outside with his purple broom.

Today, I'm not going to miss it.

Three little birds

Tonight I'm listening to this song and remembering. Remembering the little boy who grew up to be the man who claimed it as his favorite song. I wish I had known that man better. Regrettably, the first time I knowingly listened to this song was on Monday when I stood next to his grave and said goodbye.

But tonight I'm believing that "every little thing gonna be alright."

Someday.