Here we go again

It has been a week since the phone rang.  And just that like, he was home.

I think it's finally settled in that he's here.  I get to rock him to sleep at night and kiss his chubby cheeks and listen to his silly laugh.  He's here.  For now, anyways.

I'll take it.  And all the crazy that comes with him.  Any day with him is better than without.

sorry about football face, but at least you can see how big he's gotten!

Eight months

Eight months ago, I had no idea how much my life was about to change.  A tiny baby boy entered the world and would soon enter my life.  I've not been the same since.  It was love at first sight...it's hard to not fall in love with 6lbs of nothing but sweetness.  That baby boy grew physically and took more and more of my heart with each passing day.  Life with him was never easy, not because of him, but all the "stuff" that he was burdened with the moment he was born.  And it still isn't easy.  Right now we're in no-man's-land.  He's not here, but where he's at isn't good. 

Maybe he'll come back.  

Maybe we'll never see him again.  

We just don't know. 

And this is the place where I'm finding, by God's grace, that I really do believe what I say I believe.  I believe He is in the midst of every detail of this situation.  I believe that His grace is enough for all of us to walk through the hard days.  I believe that He will soothe the hurts that make my kids cry themselves to sleep at night.  I believe that He is sovereign over us.  I believe that He is always working for the good even when all I see is darkness.  I believe that His plans are always better then mine even when I don't understand a second of it.  I believe that Jesus is my only hope and He will never disappoint me.  

But some days I'm just sad.  My love, especially my mother heart love is active; there is nothing passive about it.  It is caring for the day-to-day, feeding, kissing, reading, teaching, discipling, cleaning....all those things show my family that I love them.  Part of what makes my heart ache is that I have so much love for this little boy that I can't do anything with.  I can't feed him his bottle or wash his clothes or play on the floor with him.  I can only miss him and long to hold him or tuck him in at night.  It's not enough.  I don't know what to do about it. But I do know that we are not supposed to give up on him yet.  So we continue to pray and hope, long for and believe.  And that will have to be enough for today.

Two days old

Wednesday, January 4: I was talking to my mom on the phone and it beeped that another call was coming through. I looked down and saw the numbers 562 and immediately knew who it was and what they wanted.  I quickly said goodbye and then hello.  There was no small talk.  Just some basic information relayed while she awaited my answer.  I knew the answer was yes, but called Cale to make sure.  And just like that, life shifted.  A phone call bearing news of a two day old little boy who needed a place to be loved and protected and care for.  And that place was with us.  

Shall I back up and fill you in a little bit?  It's a long God-filled story, but I'm going to give you the Cliff Note version.  Last April, having already known that it was God's plan for our family to grow through adoption, He began to shift that vision to something we'd never considered: foster care.  Dun, dun, duh. And that's totally how we felt about it.  Not something we'd ever considered, but He had.  So a few short weeks later, after some praying and crying and peace overflowing, we signed up for Foster Care classes through our county. It took til the end of September for our home study to be approved, but when it was done we were officially licensed Foster Parents.  And then we waited.  

And we waited some more.  We were well aware that it is a good problem to not have children come into the Foster Care system, but at the same time were so ready to see who God would bring to our family, for how ever long.  And a week and a half ago that waiting and wondering came to an end.  He brought us the sweetest little guy, E, who has turned our family upside down in the best possible way.  We have no idea how long he will be with us, but we are all resolved to love him well everyday that he's here.  I don't know what the Lord is going to do in E's life or in our family, but I know it will be good.  And for today I'm going to soak up some newborn love and every little squeak and wriggle!