Friday, June 18, 2010

Missing it

Days are slipping past me, one after another all looking much the same. There's nothing really wrong with this. After all, I am a girl who likes routine. But for some reason of late it doesn't feel quite right. There are moments to savor, memories to make and children to love. And I just don't think I"m doing any of it well. I feel disengaged; not from friends or family, but from the thinking part of myself. From the part that makes plans and goals, lists full of things to do and books to read and inspired to tackle my responsibilities. I am disconnected from all the things that make me feel accomplished and successful and like I'm getting things done. I can't seem to force myself back into that place either, no matter how hard I try. I'm not sure what to do. Is this supposed to be one of those quieter times, breathing space to just be? Is it laziness? Is it a self-imposed funk?

But I don't want to miss it...this day...this moment. They will never be here again. I want to savor the long days of sunshine and running through the sprinkler, splashing in the pool. I want to sit on the back porch with a good book and a glass of iced tea. I want to get messy painting with the kids and take them out for ice cream as a treat after a long day of playing. I want a sunburned nose and a pile of laundry that is evidence of a good time. I want to find the balance of having a plan but living in the moment. I want my mind to be filled with snapshots of these days- hanging out around the fire pit with friends, catching fireflies with Haven and watching Mati run around outside with his purple broom.

Today, I'm not going to miss it.


Marisa said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I feel like I struggle to find balance a lot of days. This week has been filled with a lot of "to-do's" and not enough fun with the kids. Maybe we can learn to find balance together!

Traci said...

I can empathize with this and agree w/Marisa. It's often hard to find the right balance. I don't want to miss it, either!!